1.Single Life
There's a cold piece of pizza in the fridge if you want it
A stale glass of beer on the table by the playboys
Did you see miss march？ god, she looks so young
This single life, it sure is fun
Well we could go to the lounge at the holiday inn
Hear my favorite band play the latest michael jackson
Song about a boy with a really nice bike
This single life, it sure is fun
We'll snort some cocaine in the bathroom by the condom dispenser
Talk about the barmaid, 'hey i hear she'll take her pants off
If you drive a camaro.' life just seems better
This single life, it sure is fun
Well i am still a young man
It's really pretty cool
My friends they're old and married
What a bunch of stupid fools
We'll meet some chicks at the bar and collect all our pennies
We'll stumble to our cars and we'll drive real fast to denny's
I'll put my hand up her skirt
We'll eat a couple grand slams
This single life, it sure is fun
Well in the morning when you wake up, there's a dental hygenist
Lying in your bed. she really thinks you're a dentist
You said you'd give her a job
And you'd take her to see snoop doggy dogg's gun collection
This single life, it sure is fun
Well there's a cold piece of pizza in the fridge if you want it
A bottle of aspirin on the table by the playboys
Did you see miss april？ god i feel so old
This single life, it sure is fun
2.Gold's Gym Guy
Why you going out with that gold's gym guy？
I saw you kissing him on the fourth of july
Baby, can't you see i got tears in my eyes？
Why you going out with that gold's gym guy？
Baby's got a thing for muscle bound jocks
I collapse a lung just taking off my socks
I'm holed up in the closet and i'm pettin' my fox
She treats me like i got a bad case of small cocks, but
Why you going out with that gold's gym guy？
I saw you kissing him on the fourth of july
Baby, can't you see i got tears in my eyes？
Why you going out with that gold's gym guy？
He's got a big truck, and it's bigger than my dump
It's bigger than the bank account of donald trump
It's bigger than the feeling that i've got in my rump
He's got as many brains as a gasoline pump, but
Why you going out with that gold's gym guy？
I saw you kissing him on the fourth of july
Baby, can't you see i got tears in my eyes？
Why you going out with that gold's gym guy？
He shaves his legs and so i asked him if he was bi
He grabbed me 'round the throat and said, 'prepare to die'
Everybody says that i'm a nicer guy
But he's like malathion, i'm a simple med fly, yeah
Why you going out with that gold's gym guy？
I saw you kissing him on the fourth of july
Baby, can't you see i got tears in my eyes？
Why you going out with that gold's gym guy？
3.Pitbull
Well, honey, do you think that we could start all over？
You could go back to school
We could rent a house out in arizona
I hear they all have swimming pools
I've been working on a hybrid fertilizer
I hear it makes the lettuce big
I could get some cash down at harry's pawn shop
And you could get a singing gig
And we could buy a pitbull
And name him after harry
And we could be famous
Then we'll get married
Married
Well, baby doll, believe me when i say i'm sorry
I didn't mean to take your share
But it seems that this is cut with so much baking soda
That it's making me pull out my hair
I've been working on a toaster that can fry a lambchop
If i could get the wiring right
By christmas time next year i'm gonna have a patent
And everything'll be all right
And we could buy a pitbull
And name him after harry
And we could be famous
Then we'll get married
Married
Well, sweetness, do you think that we could have a yard sale？
All this dust is making my eyes sting
We could fix the brakes and with the extra money
I could buy a wedding ring
I've been working on a tractor that could lift a building
I'm gonna try it out tonight
I'm gonna lift that stinkin' bank up and take all their money
You just stay right here, sit tight
And we could buy a pitbull
And name him after harry
We could be famous
And then we'll get married
Married
Honey, do you think that we could start all over？
You could go back to school
4.My Boyfriend
My boyfriend, he's so sexy
He takes me all the way to mexico
Oh-ooh-whoa-ooh-whoa
He don't care if i dance with other fellas
He's a gentle bear, he ain't a big gorilla, no
Oh-ooh-whoa-ooh-whoa
We could eat french food or hit a greasy diner
He can guzzle beer somethin' finer
You give me any grief he'll give you a shiner
He's as tough as an old coal miner
And best of all, he ain't no snivelin' whiner
'cause he's my boyfriend, he's so sexy
He takes me all the way to mexico
Oh-ooh-whoa-ooh-whoa
He don't care if i dance with other fellas
He's a gentle bear, he ain't a big gorilla, no
Oh-ooh-whoa-ooh-whoa
He's got a bitchin' car and it's really nice
He's my latin lover, he's got lots of spice
Gonna put me in the movies no matter the price
We go together like beans and rice
He wears his hair like jesus christ
'cause he's my boyfriend, he's so sexy
He takes me all the way to mexico
Oh-ooh-whoa-ooh-whoa
He don't care if i dance with other fellas
He's a gentle bear, he ain't a big gorilla, no
Oh-ooh-whoa-ooh-whoa
I've searched the city streets
Jumped off the world trade center but i landed on my feet
He picks me up at eight and he goes, 'beep, beep, beep'
I slide right down the stairs into his naugahyde seats
He opens up the glovebox, hands me some treats
A wrist corsage and some chocolate sweets
Chocolate sweets
My boyfriend, he's so sexy
He takes me all the way to mexico
Oh-ooh-whoa-ooh-whoa
He don't care if i dance with other fellas
He's a gentle bear, he ain't a big gorilla, no
Oh-ooh-whoa-ooh-whoa
If i don't want to walk, then we take a cab
He's as courageous as captain ahab
Lemme tell ya folks, he's so fab
He stuck with me through drug rehab
He carries my cup to the urine sample lab because
He's my boyfriend, he's so sexy
He takes me all the way to mexico
Oh-ooh-whoa-ooh-whoa
He don't care if i dance with other fellas
He's a gentle bear, he ain't a big gorilla, no
Oh-ooh-whoa-ooh-whoa
'cause he's my boyfriend (yeah, yeah)
My funky boyfriend (yeah, yeah)
Yeah, he's my boyfriend (yeah, yeah)
My funky boyfriend (yeah, yeah)
Yeah, he's my boyfriend (yeah, yeah)
My funky boyfriend (yeah, yeah)
Yeah, he's my boyfriend (yeah, yeah)
My funky boyfriend (yeah, yeah)
Yeah, he's my boyfriend (yeah,yeah)
My fu-fu-funky boyfriend (yeah, yeah)
Yeah, he's my boyfriend (yeah, yeah)
My funky boyfriend (yeah, yeah)
He's my boyfriend (yeah, yeah)
My funky boyfriend (yeah, yeah)
Yeah, he's my boyfriend (yeah, yeah)
My funky boyfriend (yeah, yeah)
5.I Want To Learn About Love
My mouth was just as dry as the tampon dispenser
In the women's bathroom at the oceanside bus station
A constipated woman barged in on me and said
'eeek! a boy! get out before i call queer nation!'
But the police did arrive
And they said, 'what's with this guy？
He's been watching these women pee
Doin' a study like he's doctor leakey
Just to learn about love'
But i want to learn about love
Yeah i want to learn about love
Yeah i want to learn about love
Can you show me today？
Well i walked into the adult bookstore
And my heart was beating louder than the drums at the tip of
zimbabwe
They never taught me nothin' 'bout this in catholic school
They only said if i was bad, i would incur the wrath of mr.
yahweh
But the bodies were uncurled
And they screamed and moaned and hurled
And the boys was dressed as girls
And the women got splashed with pearls
And they said it was love
But i want to learn about love
Yeah i want to learn about love
Yeah i want to learn about love
Can you show me today？
Well i cruised the red light zone
But i still felt all alone
And i turned a nasty trick
And i drank till i got sick
I'm sick, i'm so sick, i'm so sick
Well i watched oprah the other day
There were some mothers on the show that decided to screw their
daughters' boyfriends
The daughters were mad, and the boyfriends were glad
Because they got an education by burnin' the candle at both ends
Oprah's dress was canary yellow
And i think that she fancied that fellow
And the crotch in his corduroys bulged
And the truth it was soon divulged
When they taught us 'bout love
But i want to learn about love
6.Holliston Street
We lived on holliston street in the sixties
We didn't need much back then, just a smile
And daddy would sing
And buy us ice cream
And we would listen
Uncle louie would come over for dinner on sundays
He taught piano to my sister, kath
And i'd stand behind
And imitate him
And she would laugh
And he'd get mad
And if i knew then what i know now
I wouldn't rush the growing old
I'd take the flu, the measles, and the blues
And i guess i'd do as i was told
Kathy would walk up ahead, and i'd follow
She seemed so big back then, and me so small
And mommy would give
Me one dime, and her two nickels
And i would cry
'cause she got more
And if i knew then what i know now
I wouldn't rush the growing old
I'd take the flu, the measles, and the blues
And i guess i'd do as i was told
They let us stay up real late to watch ed sullivan
We saw the beatles two times that year
And daddy would laugh
And say, 'look at that dumb hair!'
But i liked john
Man, i loved john
And i'd give up candy for lent in the springtime
And mama was proud
And so were the nuns
I thought it was okay to eat the candy
If the wrapper was on
I was just sucking out the juices
The juices of life
And if i knew then what i know now
I wouldn't rush the growing old
I'd take the flu, the measles, and the blues
And i guess i'd do as i was told
7.Football Tonite(Wtop)
Sweep up the kitchen
Hurry and do the dishes
Bring me a beer mab'
I'll let you go out with your other bitches
Sweep up the kitchen
Could you turn off the goddamn lights？
Fetch me the remote control
We got football tonite
Football tonite
Football tonite
Did i tell you last week when you cooked for me
That fried chicken was a little bit too greasy？
Them carrots that you cooked weren't boiled enough
Now when you gonna do something right？ get off your duff
Sweep up the kitchen
Hurry and do the dishes
Bring me a beer mab'
I'll let you go out with your other bitches
Sweep up the kitchen
Could you turn off the goddamn lights？
Fetch me the remote control
We got football tonite
Football tonite
Football tonite
Well, they told me last week at work that my shirts
They really weren't ironed that well
They told me last week at work that my shirts
They really weren't ironed that well, you said, 'oh, well'
Sweep up the kitchen
Hurry and do the dishes
Bring me a beer mab'
I'll let you go out with your other bitches
Sweep up the kitchen
Could you turn off the goddamn lights？
Fetch me the remote control
We got football tonite
Football tonite
Football tonite
You been tellin' all your friends that i drink too much
Whiskey in the moring and it ain't no crutch
I never have time to take a big shit, man
You're always listening to that damn slim whitman
Runnin 'round the house with your shower cap on
Curlers in your hair, and your toenails long
Chunky bar breath and your enquiring mind
When i see you in the morning looking like a pork rind
You snivel to your momma and you say you can't cope
Well this ain't 'thirty-something' and you ain't hope, now
Sweep up the kitchen
Hurry and do the dishes
Bring me a beer mab'
I'll let you go out with your other bitches
Sweep up the kitchen
Could you turn off the goddamn lights？
Fetch me the remote control
We got football tonite
Football tonite
Football tonite
8.Rioting
They're rioting in my front yard
They're sending in the national guard
People lootin, people shootin, baby i ain't just tootin my horn
They're rioting in my front yard
They're grabbing all the beer and diapers
And don't forget the windshield wipers
Fifty pairs, who cares？ man we'll sell' em at the fair
And yeah they're rioting in my front yard
They're burning manny, moe, and jack
The pep boys got a broken back
They're stealin' clothes and breaking toes
Hey, did you see that broken nose？
And man, they're rioting in my front yard
The news you can't miss, no
It looks like a hit show
The choppers are taking to the air
The walls are coming down
And yeah they're burning up this town
At least the ratings will be up this year (burn baby, burn)
Now rodney king may not have been a saint
But what they did to him could make you faint
We hear the whip, we hear the crack, and just because his skin
was black
Now they're rioting in my front yard
Now a man ain't got a reason to smile
If he gets a beating without a trial
Hey wouldn't you be pissed they said gorillas in the mist
And now they're rioting in my front yard
Half these people haven't got a clue
They're stealing clothes and saying, 'rodney who？'
They've got it all wrong, it seems we'll never get along
And now they're rioting in my front yard
Well man, they're rioting in my front yard
Oh yeah, they're rioting in my front yard
9.Hitchhiker Joe
Don't pick up hitchhiker joe
He'll slit your throat
And cut off your big toe, i tell you
He'll make you smile
From ear to ear
Gonna lock you in a trunk
For ninety-nine years
Don't do it now
Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
I had a cousin who came from vermont
Next thing i know, that cousin was gone
Truck driver saw him picking up hitchhiker joe
Now his spleen's on the sidewalk helping flowers grow
Don't pick up hitchhiker joe
He'll slit your throat
And cut off your big toe, i tell you
He'll make you smile
From ear to ear
Gonna lock you in a trunk
For ninety-nine years
Don't do it now
Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
My best friend eddie called from l.a.
Said we'd have dinner later that day
I've got a feeling, and it's more than a hunch
My poor friend eddie was that hitchhiker's lunch
Don't pick up hitchhiker joe
He'll slit your throat
And cut off your big toe, i tell you
He'll make you smile
From ear to ear
Gonna lock you in a trunk
For ninety-nine years
Don't do it now
Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Hitchhiker joe ain't no vegetarian
If you see him on the highway
Steer clear of him
He got a knife in his sock
And a razor up his sleeve
And a chainsaw in his pack
And he's gonna make you bleed, yeah, yeah
Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
My girfriend lois called from talahassee
She picked up that dude at the spam factory
That was the last time that i saw her smile
My best advice is don't eat spam for a while
Don't pick up hitchhiker joe
He'll slit your throat
And cut off your big toe, i tell you
He'll make you smile
From ear to ear
Gonna lock you in a trunk
For ninety-nine years
Don't do it now
Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Bom, bom, bom, bom
Don't pick up (bom, bom, bom, bom, bom)
Hitchhiker joe (bom, bom, bom, bom)
He'll slit your throat (bom, bom, bom, bom)
And cut off your big toe
He'll make you smile (bom, bom, bom, bom, bom)
From ear to ear (bom, bom, bom, bom)
Gonna lock you in a trunk (bom, bom, bom, bom)
For ninety-nine years
Don't do it now
Don't pick up hitchhiker joe (bom, bom, bom, bom, bom)
He'll slit your throat (bom, bom, bom, bom)
And cut off your big toe (bom, bom, bom, bom)
He'll make you smile (bom, bom, bom, bom, bom)
From ear to ear (bom, bom, bom, bom)
Gonna lock you in a trunk (bom, bom, bom, bom)
For ninety-na-na-na-na-na-na-na now (bom, bom, bom, bom, bom)
Do-ooh-ooh-n't (bom, bom, bom, bom)
Pick up (bom, bom, bom, bom)
Hitchhiker (bom, bom, bom, bom, bom)
He got to cut off your big, your big, your big (bom, bom, bom,
bom)
He'll make you smile (bom, bom, bom, bom)
From ear to ear (bom, bom, bom, bom, bom)
Gonna lock you
10.My Carphone's On The Pill
My carphone's on the pill, and my girfriend's got call waiting
Satan's in the bagels and my toaster's masturbating
My computer has hard drive, and my disk is always floppy
My xerox has the runs and it won't stop shitting copies
Help me
My paper wants some coffee and my mother needs recycling
My fax is getting acne and it needs some tetracyclene
My dog is late for school and my son pissed on the floor
The percolator's drooling and the baby's at the store
Would you help me please？
The tv's watching me and my control is in remote
Grandpa's sucking carpet and the vacuum stole my coat
And the birds are smoking cocaine and my son lives in a nest
My daughter just got neutered, and my cat just got fake breasts
Now help me please
Yeah tv rules the house now, mr. cartwright is the boss
Ginger's kissing maryann and i'm in love with hoss
Thurston howell iii is lusting after mary tyler
More is always less that mr. douglas is a styler
Green acres is the place to be, that eb is such a dork
He hit arnold the pig and so tonight we're eating pork
Help me
My coffee lost its dentures and my father needs reheating
My wife is always empty and the fridge is always eating
The dust pan's playng marbles and the kids are in the sink
And the heater won't quit farting and my mental health it stinks
Now help me please
My car went to the movies, and i'm locked in my garage
My bathroom went to art school, now i piss in a collage
And the blender stole my credit cards, and bought some fancy
duds
Everyone has patriots, but all i have are scuds
Help me please
My carphone's on the pill, and my girfriend's got call waiting
Satan's in the bagels and my toaster's masturbating
Help me please
11.Kilkenny Man
Sure as i was borne in ireland, i was weaned on whiskey, but
raised on gin
Drinkin' so long since i was born, never been so high as a kite
in a storm
Hey ho, whataya know, when you're outta good whiskey, you're out
on the road
Way to kilkenny where liquor is plenty and people are friendly
wherever you go
Hey, ho, whataya know, when your glass is empty, you're bound to
go
Back on the job just to earn a few bob for good liquor and grub
at the kilkenny pub
Well i left my home when i was twelve. i was on the road like a
bat out of hell
Looking for work in the county of cork with a thick-headed dummy
named paddy o'rourke
Hey ho, whataya know, when you're outta good whiskey, you're out
on the road
Way to kilkenny where liquor is plenty and people are friendly
wherever you go
Hey, ho, whataya know, when your glass is empty, you're bound to
go
Back on the job just to earn a few bob for good liquor and grub
at the kilkenny pub
Kickin' and splashin' and pissin' and cussin' and guzzlin' and
laughin' and blowin' yer load
Dancin' and singin' shilaylees are swingin' we're arm in arm as
we're staggerin' home
Diddlee-aye, diddlee-aye, diddlee-aye, ay
Diddlee-aye, diddlee-aye, diddlee-aye, ay
Kickin' and splashin' and pissin' and cussin' and guzzlin' and
laughin' and blowin' yer load
Dancin' and singin' shilaylees are swingin' we're arm in arm as
we're staggerin' home
Diddlee-aye, diddlee-aye, diddlee-aye, ay
Diddlee-aye, diddlee-aye, diddlee-aye, ay
Hey ho, whataya know, when you're outta good whiskey, you're out
on the road
Way to kilkenny where liquor is plenty and people are friendly
wherever you go
Hey, ho, whataya know, when your glass is empty, you're bound to
go
Back on the job just to earn a few bob for good liquor and grub
at the kilkenny pub
12.You Should've Told Me
I sit here all alone
And i'm feeling green
I press play on your
Goddamn phone machine
His nasal whine
Follows me through the door
His teeth are so nice
They'd look good on the floor
You should've told me
They should've told me
Christ, you should've told me after all those years i spent
Praying to you on my knees in my room back in palm springs
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Mmm-mmm
I pull your letter box
From beneath your bed
And i look through the letters
And all the lies he said
'bout how he would taste you and tempt you and tease you
And twist you around like a circus balloon
Heal you, feel you
And take your ass out to the zoo
You should've told me
They should've told me
Christ, you should've told me after all those years i spent
Praying to you on my knees in my room back in palm springs
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Mmm-mmm
I follow you
Down to the banks of the river
I pull my razor
From my boot as i shiver
You turn around and
'hey, it's a beautiful night'
I hold the razor
To your neck in the pale moonlight
You should've told me
They should've told me
Christ, you should've told me after all those years i spent
Praying to you on my knees in my room back in palm springs
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Mmm-mmm
Morning comes
And the sun it hurts my eyes
I've long stopped hearing
The sound of your muffled cries
The water is pink
And it moves with the tide
Don't worry, honey
I'm right here by your side
You should've told me
They should've told me
Christ, you should've told me after all those years i spent
Praying to you on my knees in my room back in palm springs
Yeah, you should've told me
They should've told me
Christ, you should've told me after all those years i spent
Praying to you on my knees in my room back in palm springs
This can't be heaven
Must've took a wrong turn
'cause it sure feels like hell
13.Rub Somebody(The Right Way)
I knew a man who came down from kentucky
And everyone would whisper, 'boy he sure is lucky'
He'd go to church every sunday and have breakfast at stuckey's
He rubbed somebody the right way
And all i'm askin' for you to do
Is live by this simple creed i give to you
Just take five minutes out of your day
And rub somebody the right way
Well i knew a woman who could act like a girl
She held the secret for peace in this world
She'd stand on her porch, with a baton she'd twirl
Singing, 'rub somebody the right way'
And all i'm askin' for you to do
Is live by this simple creed i give to you
Just take five minutes out of your day
And rub somebody the right way
Now i know there's times you're frustrated and low
You'd like a shotgun to shoot down your foes
You swam with your sorrows, but both of you drowned
So tighten your seatbelt, wipe off that frown
And all i'm askin' for you to do
Is live by this simple creed i give to you
Just take five minutes out of your day
And rub somebody the right way
Time passes quick, and you know how it goes
You can open your arms, you can turn up your nose
You'll have much, much more fun if you make peace with your foes
And rub somebody the right way
And all i'm askin' for you to do
Is live by this simple creed i give to you
Just take five minutes out of your day
And rub somebody the right way
And all i'm askin' for you to do
Is live by this simple creed i give to you
Just take five minutes out of your day
And rub somebody the right way
Got to rub somebody the right way
14.Me And Eddie Vedder
Houses of the holy
Was an album by led zeppelin
I bought it on eight track
Not on cd
Fades out in the middle
The way an eight track's s'posed to
The way an eight track's s'posed to
I got the number thirteen
Tattooed on my bicep
The thirteenth letter of the alphabet
Is the letter 'm'
Stands for marijuana
The way that it oughta
The way a letter oughta
The 'electric kool-aid acid test'
Was a novel by tom wolfe
It's about taking lsd
And driving 'cross the country
Drivin' in a school bus
A school bus on lsd
The way an education oughta be
I wanna drive a school bus
Over to the brady's
And pick up alice
And then we'll bake some brownies
And then i'll grab marcia
And play with her ouija board
And talk to mr. brady
Houses of the holy
Was a really bitchin' album
Bonzo kicks ass on it
And then he chokes on his vomit
The way a rock star's s'posed to die
The way a rock star's s'posed to die
The way a rock star's s'posed to die
I wanna die wasted
In a room with eddie vedder
We could both die together
But he'll go first
Yeah eddie'll go first
'cause he's more famous
More famous than the rugburns
When you buy our coffins
Put eight tracks in 'em
Playin' houses of the holy
'cause it's a really bitchin' album
Remember when i told you
Remember how it fades out
Remember when i told you
| 
